Choir of angels

There she was, waiting for us as we walked in through the resting home doors. A big smile sprung up onto her fragile face. She greeted us kindly and we chatted for a bit as she cheekily joked about living in a prison. I pointed to my head and said with a wink, the real prison is in here. She chuckled and admitted that it really was a nice facility, and it is! There is such an endearing feeling of community there and a spirit so sweet that it draws me back. A group of my fellow students had started a weekly visit to sing hymns to and converse with the residents. This time, though, we were few in numbers. My roommate and I, the two of us, went room to room gathering those interested in coming to the foyer to listen. Then we stood in front of the sleeping crowd and began. We sang as loud as we could so that our lonely voices could reach through the air to those failing, aged ears. Having brought my russian hymnbook, I belted out a couple of my favorites. They liked that. But then, just as my poor parched throat started to completely croak I saw a beautiful little family walk in and they started to watch us. At the end of the song I jokingly invited them to join us. One of them offered to play the piano and we continued to sing. As we sang I heard a voice blend in with ours, then another one in harmony, and another, and another! We raised up in a chorus so exquisite my heart swelled as the pianist tossed his hands across the piano in an impromptu accompaniment so grand tears started to well up in my eyes. I felt God with us.
As I experienced this miracle unfold I couldn't help but remember a quote by BYU-Idaho president Kim B. Clark that had saved me on my mission. It reads, "When we act in faith in Jesus to do His work, He goes with us to serve others and blesses us to say just what they need to hear... What we actually say and actually do may feel a little awkward or not very polished... But the Savior takes our words and our actions... He takes our sincere but imperfect effort and turns them into something that is just right, indeed, into something that is perfect."
I know that when we extend our efforts, however tiny, simple or awkwardly placed they may seem, God will magnify them. He can make breathtaking, fantastic miracles in our lives. And He will if you believe it! I know that is true because today I sang with angels. 

A veteran's war

A young veteran makes friends with an old veteran. The young veteran falls in love with the old veteran's granddaughter who works at a recording studio. One night, after the band had finished recording the last song of the album the young veteran makes a scene by knocking out the drummer, who he felt was making moves on his fiancé, the granddaughter. Later, this is the conversation the old veteran and the young veteran have around an open fire.

YV: So, that guy's not going to press charges.
OY: Oh, there you go, that's a good thing.
YV: Yeah, I guess, I mean, it doesn't change the fact that Amber (granddaughter) still saw me loose it on him, you know. I just couldn't take it, it was just like every time I came around he was there taunting me, there baiting me, you know. And then they're standing there like they just created a miracle because they've recorded some song, like it's the most important thing in the world. That kid has no idea what's important. You know, what's really important.
OV: Yeah. Yeah, I remember when I got back. It was always funny to me how people got all twisted up about stuff that didn't matter. It wasn't important... well, well you know, what happened was important to Amber.
YV: Yeah, I mean that's the worst part of it. I let her down, and I don't know, maybe her mom's right, maybe I'm not good enough for her. I... *shakes head*
OV: Well, Amber's her baby. There's never going to be anybody that's good enough to marry her baby.
YV: What about you? What do you think?
OV: I think you guys made a decision to get married and I think that's a good thing. And I think you're trying, and that's the most important thing.
YV: Yeah, I'm trying so hard.  ...and that's the thing, as much as I'm trying here, it makes me think, just screw it! You know, screw this life! And then I go back...
OV: Wait a minute, wait, hold it, hold it. What are you talking about? Are you talking about...?
YV: No, no. No, I'm saying screw this civilian life... this, this... trying to do this.
*pause*
You know, I hated Afghanistan. You know, I hated it. But at least there everything made sense, you know, like everything. Everything there, like, mattered, you know, it's important. And then it's like, I can't get my mind off of that place, I can't disconnect from that place. It's like I can't, I can't shake it. I just feel out of sync here still.
OV: Boy, you're going to have to decide which world you belong in. It's, ah, it's hard.
(Parenthood, S5 E10)
http://www.nbc.com/parenthood/episode-guide/season-5/all-that%E2%80%99s-left-is-the-hugging/510

Later we learn which world the young veteran chose. He chose to reenlist.
Sitting in my sad cocoon of blankets with my laptop, chips and chocolate in arm's reach, I felt first grateful, grateful that finally, someone had put into words my situation, exactly. Second, I felt a pang jealously, jealously that he could go back. I couldn't reenlist, I couldn't go back.
So then, what to do? What do you do in a world where nothing makes sense and where nothing matters? For a long time, I did nothing. Relationships were strained. Loved ones thought I was home when really I was a completely changed person who was only partially there.
But slowly things got better, like they always, always, always do. Adjusting has been quite the tedious process. It's like untying a serious of knots, missionary knots. Yes, I can be alone now, untie. I can watch TV, untie. I can hug men, untie. Hold babies, untie. Wear pants, untie. Early morning studies, untie. Wait, no, retie. Some knots were loose, some so tight that it hurt my hands and I had to use my teeth. Some knots I didn't even know existed. And through all the awkward, painful, and amazing moments (like riding a bike again) my friends and family were always right there, talking and walking me through it.
What motivates me is the chance, not to go back, but to stay in the fight. The war was not just there but it's here too! Truly, I can still be a missionary... in this weird, unfamiliar, non-missionary way. I can still be an active duty disciple of Christ. I'm so grateful for Him and give Him glory for every single triumph, every miracle, every breathe He gives me in this new life. I can't wait to see what's in store because, with faith in Him, it's going to be... miraculous. 

Library

At this moment I am sitting in the middle of the library, just sitting and feeling every one around me. Every mumble of hushed words being spoken, every letter typed, every tapped pen, every crinkled wrapper reverberates inside my empty frame and fills it with a rich concoction of the mundane. Reflexively, I toss my head to the side as a timid blond gets up out of her chair. Our eyes connected and lingered for an instant. In that time my brain collected what it could. She was fair and wispy. Her eyes were hard and deflective at first but then softened as if to apologize. I smiled a slight smile assuring her that all was forgiven. 

Why blog?

Blogging, it's what we do if we can't fit all our thoughts or doings into a Facebook post or Tweet (not that I've ever tweeted...). It's an essay, an expression, a piece of us cast into the melting pot of humanity.

Just ask yourself, why did all the greats in history have journals? Galileo, Da Vinci, Einstein... Because they understood the power of thoughts. A single thought in the mind of a pioneer can change everything, for everyone throughout the indefinite future of mankind. But a thought is useless if it is not recorded, communicated, and disseminated. It can come as a revelation one moment and then the next pass as if it never were there.  And although I may not be a revolutionary artist, inventor, or scientist, that is why I blog, to somehow pin down the genius that is in us all. To capture the fleeting, beautiful moments of my life, a life I do not claim for myself. 

I'm renaming this blog to "My Vermeer," a name actually I came up with a long time ago in honor of Johannes Vermeer, an artist who took upon himself to paint the ordinary. He elevated perfectly normal occurrences into something worth admiring.
These posts are the pictures I paint. 

May 19th 2014

My mission is wrapping up. Loose ends are culminating into somthing very profound. Heavenly Father really does see the big picture. I'm coming to realize that more and more now, of how intricatly involved He is in everything that is in my life and that is everywhere. I may not always understand it and sometimes I get frustrated, frustrated that I have the liahona in my hands, am following it and still feel lost, lost in the wilderness. But then the promised land comes into view and it all starts to click. I laugh and cry and shout with thanksgiving that I truly have not been forsaken, in fact, I have been chosen. I'm so full of gratitude and love and I pray that the Lord will accept my efforts as I continue to press on these next three weeks.THREE weeks. This week went so fast that I can hardly admit to myself what that means about the next three weeks. Not a piece of me wants to go home right now but I know it's right. I know that an end has to come.. it's like a good book! every page is exhilirating and you don't want to put it down and you don't want it to end but you keep pushing on to finish because you have to see what's going to happen and because, well... you can't spend your whole life reading a book. But you can definately start new ones! okay, now I realize that I just brought us to the classic cliche of "turning a new page" or "starting a new chapter in life." But in any case, my mission is the best book I've ever lived. And that's because God wrote it, every word, even when I didn't know it. I mean, who but God could conjour such intense character development, or paint such a glorious setting, with such unique tone and voice just for me? There has been suspenseful peaks, peaceful valleys, danger, action, even romance (don't worry, nothing to do with me). And don't forget the many inspirational moments and humor sprinkled throughout. :)

It has been an unforgettable experience and it's not over yet!
This week was so miraculous! We're still meeting with that one woman I told you about on mothers' day-- she is a miracle in and of herself. I feel so blessed to know her, I've never met anyone like her. The best way I think I can describe her is like a yoda in the shape of a small russian woman with eyes that are so bright and a laugh that is so endearing. She's pure like a child and wise like a monk. But not a monk because she's internalizing truth at the rate of only one completely prepared by God. Heavenly Father has truly brought us together and I'm so grateful for her in my life. 

My time's short but be prepared for a looootttt of talking when I get back cause I'm sure I'll be letting more dets out in person.

Love,
Sister Johnson

February 17th 2014

Happy Valentines Day!!! Would it suprise you to say that we celebrated with pink frosted sugar cookies? &cheap matching rings with my compy. :) I love serving with Sister Sigman, we are just fantasic friends, I love it.   

Thanks for the updates on the Olympics! I've been super curious about what's going on! The closest I've got is little Sochi toys in Kinder eggs... lol Oh! and a couple days ago we heard from a group on very loud young men that Russia lost to America in a hockey game. They were not super happy about that... yeah. 

A couple of you have asked about Svetlana and I realized that I haven't updated you on the area in a while. As a result of what was clearly the Lord's mercy and our faith in him, our area has seen significant progress. The 'numbers' are up and we have a few people progressing towards baptism and a handful of news. We've done quite a bit of teaching, which is awesome but now I've got to learn how to teach!! Svetlana is doing good. She was in the hospital for a while but now she's back and we've been meeting frequently. We were frustrated because we weren't sure what was keeping her from baptism and we felt like we were going in circles. So we did a special fast on saturday for her and met with her that night. It just turned out that we didn't have a member with us and I think she felt a bit more comfortable because she just spilled everything out to us. Turns out she has a lot of concerns... those mainly being that she doesn't understand how only we have authority to baptize, she doesn't feel worthy for baptism and she understands the social consequences that occur when your friends, family and neighbors even hear the word 'Mormon.' So we're working with that. It was cool cause the next day on sunday she came to church and the subjects we talked about addressed each one of those concerns exactly. 

Thanks for letting me know my departure date. I've been kinda wondering about that... just kinda good to know after which cycle I'm leaving. looks like I've only got 2 cycles after this one. Ridiculous!!!!!! I remember a couple cycles back I was praying about an extention (a prayer I'm pretty sure every missionary prays) and I got the impression that my mission would be exactly long enough. That has been a great assurance through it all since then.

Love you all so much and your love is a lifeline to me! Thank you for each word of affection and encouragment! I'm grateful for how my mission has made our family stronger-- that is a great success.

Sister Johnson

February 10th 2014

Weeeelll it looks like I'm going to be in Balakova for the rest of my mission! Nothing is ever for sure but that's the way it's lookin. We still have no idea when our companions are coming in but I'll take all the time with Sister Sigman that I can get. We served together my first cycle in Balakova and it was a rough one for the both of us so it's really awesome to be together again as completely different missionaries. Plus, we're pretty good friends so that makes it fun :) & she served here a long time as well so she's super close with the branch. They were all so excited to see her, it was so cute. :) Only thing is that she's sick. She was completely down for 3 weeks before the transfer so we've been taking it slow this week. Svetlana is also been pretty sick so I'm worried about her. She wasn't able to  come to church yesterday, which is a pity since it was brance conference with the district presidency and the Schwabs there and everything. The turn out at church was amazing! We had a full chapel! & lots of less/in actives came :) 

Although it's been a slow week, I've felt a permiating tenderness. Just a gratitude and awareness of the Savior's love and mercy as I have been continuous in prayer and repentance and let faith in Him fill me up. I've thought a lot about each of you siblings and how you each have something you're working through, hard things, and I just want to say never give up. Please have faith, have patience in the Lord and that He will fulfill His promises. And even when you can't have faith, do not cast out that desire, but let it dwell in your heart and give you the hope to continue. 

I love you and I wish so much that I could help you by being there. I wish that I could be with each of you always to love and support you... and I mean that in a very real way. But I know that my being here will be more beneficial to you. At least that is my hope and my faith, which is Christ, who is, quite literally, with you always.

Love,

Sister Johnson :)

Dearest Missionaries,

Thank you for the efforts so many of you are making to work harder, including working much harder at prayer and working harder to exercise faith, expecting the blessings you seek, and controlling doubts and fears. It is wonderful to hear the experiences you have shared with me as you are doing that. The Lord is blessing our mission with some amazing things happening! I will try to share some of those experiences, as well as some of your miracles you have shared with me, in the zone conferences next week.

Every week, I earnestly strive to find out what our Father in Heaven would have you hear. As I have prayed about it this week, I have felt impressed to talk about discouragement, sorrow and related emotions.

I think many of us were surprised to experience discouragement or depression on our missions. The homecomings we attended were all so upbeat and some even said it was "the best two years." Many of you may have thought at times that "if these are supposed to be the best two years, then what is wrong with me?"

As a beginning point, I want to emphasize that it is NORMAL to feel discouragement and be "down" some of the time. The scriptures are full of examples when even the best of the best were "down" or discouraged, including both Nephi and Alma at times being "weighed down with sorrow," Ammon and his brethren having hearts which were "depressed" and "wanting to turn back," Joseph Smith crying out in frustration "O God, where art thou," and many others.

Much more importantly, as Isaiah prophetically described Christ, he said: "He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3). Can you relate? Do you ever feel "despised and rejected of men?" Do you ever feel like " a man (or woman) of sorrows" or "acquainted with grief?" If so, then you are in the most sacred of company!

While such feelings are appropriate at times, they become damaging and a hindrance to the work if not properly controlled. It is neither normal nor healthy to feel like this all the time. First, it runs contrary to the Lord's simple plan that "men are that they might have joy: (2 Ne. 2:25). Of course, we must have competing emotions for reasons including the fact that "it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things" (2 Ne. 11). But feeling sorrow and grief too much, and especially all of the time, is improper. As noted in Proverbs 15:13, "by sorrow of the heart, the spirit is broken." That is a warning which everyone of you should heed!

Sometimes we may think (perhaps with Satan's encouragement) that significant sorrow is actually a good thing and is necessary to achieve humility. While "Godly sorrow" for sin is necessary, and recognition of our own weakness and nothingness is important to humility, we often sink far below what the Lord desires. Let me give you two very instructive examples.

Nephi became discouraged and depressed as he considered his own weakness and unworthiness, even describing himself as "wretched" and having a heart which "sorroweth" and "grieveth" (2 Ne. 4: 17). However, undoubtedly knowing that boundaries to those feelings needed to be set, Nephi immediately said "NEVETHELESS, I know in whom I have trusted" (2 Ne. 4:19). I love that word "nevertheless" because it is not something we use enough to stop the progression of destructive and negative thoughts which we have. 

Nephi then went on to REQUIRE his soul to "awake" and his heart to "rejoice" rather than let his "heart weep" and his soul "linger in the valley of sorrow" (2 Ne. 4:26). He knew that if he did not, he would give Satan "place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul" (2 Ne. 4:27). We, as missionaries, need to follow Nephi's great example. Force your soul often to "awake" and your heart to "rejoice." Plead with your Father in Heaven to help you do so, and He will! 

Nephi then turns everything over to the Lord and asks Him, as he prays in Chapter 4, for help with his problems: ("Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin," and so on). We need to be wise enough to turn our grief, or sorrows, or weaknesses, our "wretchedness" over to the Lord so that HE can heal us. Nephi even adds as a warning that "cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm" (2 Ne. 4:34). WE MUST NOT PUT OUR TRUST IN MAN OR EVEN IN OUR OWN STRENGTH in an effort to overcome our weaknesses, or depression, or feelings of sorrow. We must faithfully give them to the Lord.

It could not be any clearer in the scriptures that the Lord invites--and even commands--us to do so. In Psalms 55:22 we read: "Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee." Cast--not "tentatively push," not
"gently nudge," but CAST them upon Him! What an amazing commandment! Yet we trudge along, like a farm-horse pulling a heavy plow with our head down, rather than casting our burdens away and being free.

In an equally inviting (if not commanding) tone, the Savior said "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" (Matt. 11:28). Do we do so? Are you laden with burdens or troubles on your mission that are heavy and make you labor? Do we take the Savior at His word and accept His promise? Or do we trudge forward, "making flesh our arm" in an effort to resolve our own problems, thinking that that is a good thing?

The same mistake can be made with repentance. In an effort to fully repent, some among us feel such continual sorrow that we become constantly depressed and despondent. Listen to what Alma said to his son, Shiblon, after he had repented of a very serious sin: "And now, my son, I desire that ye should let these things trouble you no more, and ONLY let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance" (Alma 42: 29). Why only let our sins trouble us with that trouble which brings us down to repentance? Because at that point, we have turned the sin over to Christ. We accept and have faith that His Atonement will wipe the sin away. We do NOT continue to try to carry the sin ourselves, thinking that our own pitiful efforts, including our continuing sorrow or remorse, will somehow pay a price that only the Savior can pay (and in fact has already paid).

Likewise, we do not allow the memory of our past sins and problems to cause us guilt, anguish and depression. God ALLOWS us to remember our sins so that we do not do them again. That does not mean we should feel guilt when we do so. Alma gives us a great example as he remembers "all my sins and iniquities" (Alma 36:13). HOWEVER, Alma then also remembers his repentance (verse 18) and his forgiveness (verses 19-24). If you remember past transgressions, require yourself to also remember your repentance and forgiveness. If you repent and then continue to feel guilt, you may be doing an unthinkable thing--challenging the effectiveness of the Atonement. You are improperly giving the infinite Atonement finite boundaries by trying to exclude yourself from its effect. 

Elders and Sisters, God can and will take away our sorrow, discouragement and despair if we have faith and allow Him to do so. What happened to our above-referenced examples from the scriptures who were discouraged? In Ammon and his brethren's time of discouragement, we are told that "the Lord comforted [them]" (Alma 26:27). To Alma, the Lord said "Blessed art thou, Alma; therefore lift up thy head and rejoice" (Alma 8:15). To Joseph Smith, the Lord extended the gift of "peace . . . unto thy soul" (D&C 121:7). In every circumstance, God removed the burden, gave joy, and extended peace. He will do the same for us if we cast our burdens upon the Lord and have faith in Him as we pray to the Father.

As missionaries, we will have some discouragement. It will be part of the work as long as people have their free agency and as long as Satan can influence them. We may feel temporary despair. We may "labor and be heavy laden." However, we must never forget that uncontrolled doubts, discouragement and despair will prevent the exercise of faith. When we feel such emotions, we must immediately say, as did Nephi, "NEVERTHELESS, I know in whom I have trusted." All of us have a Savior whose "arms of mercy are extended" towards us and not only allows but commands us to cast all of our burdens upon Him. What a merciful and incredibly kind Lord we have! He is a Savior and Redeemer in whom we can have perfect and CONTINUING faith because He is perfect and always there. This is His work that we are involved in. May we all control and cast out doubts, fear, depression and discouragement from our lives with His help, and choose instead to have constant faith and hope in Him and his promises. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

We love and pray for you,
President and Sister Schwab