(on grandpa's passing)
I don't know what to say.
There's a lot. There's mournful sorrow, yes, shock, reverence, peace, gratitude but more than anything else, and overwhelming love. Looking back I can clearly see Heavenly Father's hand in it all... How I got to talk with him at Christmas and how the last things I remember him telling me were, "We love you" and "We're proud of you" as well as how he was grateful that I sent pictures and that he recognized a word I said in Russian... a word I didn't remember saying. :) ..How as I studied the Plan of Salvation I got a strong impression, even a voice saying, you're going to neeeed this. I got the call from president on saturday at noon after studies and before personal studies I had an interesting experience. I was carrying my morning tea from the kitchen and before I could set it on my study table it slipped from my fingers and fell, boiling water pouring all over my legs and falling to the ground. My right thigh was a bit burned and as I cleaned it up, got a new cup and sat down to the scriptures I thought. Why did that happen? It was just out of no where. Then I thought of a moment I had with Phalon when we were walking to the gym together, laughing and then all of the sudden her water bottle just dropped to the ground and cracked open. After she picked it up with a frown I said, "Well, one minute you have a water bottle, ... and the next you don't!" That might not sound poetic or significant and you might be wondering "what do fallen beverages have to do with grandpa's passing?" It's just that after that happened on saturday I knelt down and thanked God, having a little realization of how much we are completely out of control. How what we have can at any point be taken away and all we're left with is a burned spot on your leg that aches.
And then also Heavenly Father was so aware and merciful to me that he put me with Sister Scott, whose grandmother passed away about a month ago. She knew exactly what I was going through and it was crucial to have her there with me.
And he gave me Balakova, and when I say Balakova, I mean he gave me angels. I fasted this past sunday in mourning (I read a while back in the bible dictionary that fasting is also used as a form of mourning. I found that really interesting and thought I'd try it. I didn't know I would have an opportunity so quickly. It was very appropriate and felt really right to fast in that way.) As we sat in sacrament meeting I thought/prayed, Lord I can't be with my family right now, please help me to feel them. Then Sister Fedotova (the woman you met when we skyped) took my hand and held it tight for the rest of the meeting as I just wept. She was the only member that knew what happened and she also had a dear friend pass this week, so we together held on to each other. Then later I received a blessing from my district leader (who insisted) at a members home. She too, held on tight to my hand and brought me close. Thing is, she didn't know.
I have felt an overwhelming amount of love from the branch here which has been a precious experience and also from grandpa. President asked to know a bit about him and really all I could think of to say was that he loved me. It seemed kind of silly to say just that as a description of my grandfather's life, but really that's all he did. There have been so many memories of him running through my mind and I feel him near. My heart also goes out to grandma and you all at home. I love you so much and I truly do know, I know that we will be a family forever.
Sorry I'm writing a bit late because we have transfers....I'm staying in Balakova! for probably 3 more months because I'm training again. whoop whoop. But my trainee is stuck in America due to some changes is visa policies. SO I'm with sister sigman again for the time being.
Thanks for all your love and prayers & I know that I'm sending them your way too!
Sister Johnson
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